Why I Will Never Forget The Day I Wrote My PostUTME Exam! - Via Kingstechs

Stepping out,that faithful morning, in the

month of August with The University of Benin

in mind, to scatter the much awaited PUME,

little did I know that a very unpleasant event

was going to take shine away from my Pume.

Immidiately i entered the school premises, I

quickly folded my printed pume slip that was

visible from the back pocket and hid it out of

sight,smell and touch. This was simply

because, i didn't want a situation where, I

had to choose between the exam that brought

me here, and using my Kung-fu skills to

destroy the idiot that addressed me as

"Jambito". So to avoid casualties and potential

loss of human lives, I avoided making any

move that gave the impression I was a

Jambite.





I was so committed to keeping my vow that,

when a Jambite like myself approached me for

direction towards ICT center, i unknowingly

directed him towards a bushy dead end

where, according to my now roomates,all you

needed was a mere five steps to burst out in

Ghana.





I got to my venue and heard some students

lamenting on how we needed our

original slip to be allowed into the hall. The

thought of dashing Jamb 1k so early in the

morning ontop the 43 they gave me in Use of

english almost drove me to tears. The moment

I stepped foot into the complex close to Main

gate, all the cafe owners and their agents who

have been specially trained to convince you

on why at-least a photocopy a day increases

your life span, descended on me. All i kept

hearing was "Correct guy,come photocopy ur

and pume slip for my shop".. 10 were

dragging my Leg to the North, 15 were busy

with my arm,pulling it to far West. I didn't

know which was more painful: the fact that I

was getting ripped apart from different

directions, or that it didn't take these people

seconds to expose the secret i swore to protect

with my life the moment i hid my pume slip

at Main gate.





We were soon seated at the venue, Mtn

Digital library. The exam was CBT and the

room had more than enough computers to

service us. The Library was lavished with air

conditioners which were now tirelessly

working round the clock to cool my

aggravated temper. My stomach began to

make this funny noise. "Abeg oh! Behave ur

self. Today is a very important day" I warned

silently,pinching my intestine to send a clear

message that I wasn't in the mood for mind

games. It was when I heard the same noise

seconds later, only this time, twice as loud, I

realised this was an alarm that could only be

snoozed by the toilet. The toilet wasnt too far

from the entrance so when i entered, I

couldn't shhit in peace all cos I was afraid the

noise my poo was going to create would draw

attention or worst of all, disrupt the network

signal we were going to use for the exam.

What will i tell the VC and the disciplinary

committee? ..

So I did my thing codedly, and on coming out,

I saw this fine yellow paw paw girl cat-

walking into the same toilet I just left looking

like a scene from AMC's "The walking dead".

Instantly, i knew she wasn't going to make it,

so i bowed my head and silently prayed

Heaven accepts her soul. I came back into the

hall feeling relieved and in no time, we were

done with the exam which lasted for 60mins.

Asides the over sabi seated next to me who

nearly used his heavy duty rock of ages 12th

century caterpillar boot to switch-off my

computer, there was no other indication

during the course of the exam that suggested

my village people sneaked thier way into the

exam hall to monitor my progress.

I was seated at the back in the shuttle bus

that was to take me home when my stomach

made this noise that sounded like i had DJ

Jimmy jat and Khaled trapped in my bowels &

they were protesting their release via music.

The next thing i felt, was something trying to

run out of my jeans from the back...

Something familiarly unpleasant. Oh shiiit!!





I ran out of the Bus that was yet to get filled.

My destination, a tutorial center opposite the

school gate. I got there and was told they

didn't have a toilet and before I could ask

them if they had an anus, an elderly man

directed me to a transport company just

outside. I got there and the Manager pleaded

with me that somebody just took the key. At

this point, I was already sweating...sweating

profusely. My vision was getting blurred and i

could feel the poo forcefully trying to escape

with a very very strong warning "If you try

run ehn, we go fall comot yakata. So respect

yasef and walk like a gentleman".. I wanted to

run to the next plaza but respected the shiit's

command. Afterall, I was the one being held

at gunpoint.

I forgot shame ever existed and kept pleading

from shop to shop but kept hearing the same

"No Key" story. It was that day I knew what

Brother Oghenevare Jeremiah went through

when he said in chaper 17 verse19 that, "The

heart of man is desperately wicked". If an

Angel had appeared and asked i choose

between "automatic Heaven and a toilet", the

answer would have been pretty obvious. I can

always work my salvation later, the legal way.



I was this close to squatting in the middle of a

busy street to offload, while making sure my

head was wrapped in a black nylon. Afterall,

nobody will see my face, and para-venture the

street people broke in a hot pursuit, not even

my shadow shall thy see,for my legs shall

carry thee far far away before thy caputureth

me. But just when I lost all hope and wanted

to collapse and die, I saw a light at the end of

the tunnel. For the book of Mathew 7:7(New

living translation) says" "Keep on asking, and

you will receive what you ask for. Keep on

seeking, and you will find". Brother

Oghenetega Matthew was indeed right,

because, right in front of me, less than a

kilometer away, was what I seeked.

I met this fair pretty lady of average height at

her Mother's shop, realyed my predicament

and she told me using their toilet wasnt't an

option, as her Dad was around. Rather, she

showed me their Backyard where I could do

my thing. I couldn't believe my ears. I nearly

broke down in tears of appreciation, but held

my tears halfway, cos considering how high

my body pressure was, coupled with how

swollen skinny me now looked,it wouldn't

come as a surprise if the space meant for

tears has since been occupied by my

desperate poo.





I jogged into the big compound and found a

perfect spot behind this harvested plantain

tree, pulled my jean, but as I was about to

drop, I saw this mighty elephant Dog charging

toward me. Jisoooos! It all happened so fast. I

wanted to run but was relieved when I saw a

chain restraining it. I changed location just to

be safe should incase the dog manages to

convince the chain to let it go. I squatted, and

the moment the first came out, I felt a feeling

no word could describe. I was weeping and

shiiting. Tears of joy. I began offloading and farting at the same time, but the Dog was

looking visibly pissed by that action. It barked

in rage,louder and louder with every fart, and

at a point, I knew it was going to lose it's

voice if it didnt accept defeat. The Dog

eventually threw in the towel and kept quiet

when it was clear i had a battalion of stored

farts in my bowels eager to keep me in the

lead.

I already had a plan mapped out should the

Dog's barks draw the pretty lady's Dad's

attention to the backyard. Use my rubber

band as catapult, shiit as stone & temporarily

blind him just to give me enough time to fly

the fence and continue shitting in the next

compound before he even gets the opportunity

to shout "Thief Thief". But thank God, he

never came. My idea of fame didn't include

being dragged Unclad around a street in that

hot afternoon with poo smeared all over my

body. That's not my portion in Jesus name.

I was done and went to meet the pretty lady.

Funny enough, I was beginning to feel

ashamed after the spirit of shiiit left me. I

thanked her severally, then brought out my

wallet and gave her 500naira as a token of my

sincere appreciation but she refused. I tried to

convince her, but she still held her ground. So

I dropped the money on the table, took

something worth N50naira and walked away a

happy man before she could even protest.



hmm what a day



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