Stepping out,that faithful morning, in the
month of August with The University of Benin
in mind, to scatter the much awaited PUME,
little did I know that a very unpleasant event
was going to take shine away from my Pume.
Immidiately i entered the school premises, I
quickly folded my printed pume slip that was
visible from the back pocket and hid it out of
sight,smell and touch. This was simply
because, i didn't want a situation where, I
had to choose between the exam that brought
me here, and using my Kung-fu skills to
destroy the idiot that addressed me as
"Jambito". So to avoid casualties and potential
loss of human lives, I avoided making any
move that gave the impression I was a
Jambite.
I was so committed to keeping my vow that,
when a Jambite like myself approached me for
direction towards ICT center, i unknowingly
directed him towards a bushy dead end
where, according to my now roomates,all you
needed was a mere five steps to burst out in
Ghana.
I got to my venue and heard some students
lamenting on how we needed our
original slip to be allowed into the hall. The
thought of dashing Jamb 1k so early in the
morning ontop the 43 they gave me in Use of
english almost drove me to tears. The moment
I stepped foot into the complex close to Main
gate, all the cafe owners and their agents who
have been specially trained to convince you
on why at-least a photocopy a day increases
your life span, descended on me. All i kept
hearing was "Correct guy,come photocopy ur
and pume slip for my shop".. 10 were
dragging my Leg to the North, 15 were busy
with my arm,pulling it to far West. I didn't
know which was more painful: the fact that I
was getting ripped apart from different
directions, or that it didn't take these people
seconds to expose the secret i swore to protect
with my life the moment i hid my pume slip
at Main gate.
We were soon seated at the venue, Mtn
Digital library. The exam was CBT and the
room had more than enough computers to
service us. The Library was lavished with air
conditioners which were now tirelessly
working round the clock to cool my
aggravated temper. My stomach began to
make this funny noise. "Abeg oh! Behave ur
self. Today is a very important day" I warned
silently,pinching my intestine to send a clear
message that I wasn't in the mood for mind
games. It was when I heard the same noise
seconds later, only this time, twice as loud, I
realised this was an alarm that could only be
snoozed by the toilet. The toilet wasnt too far
from the entrance so when i entered, I
couldn't shhit in peace all cos I was afraid the
noise my poo was going to create would draw
attention or worst of all, disrupt the network
signal we were going to use for the exam.
What will i tell the VC and the disciplinary
committee? ..
So I did my thing codedly, and on coming out,
I saw this fine yellow paw paw girl cat-
walking into the same toilet I just left looking
like a scene from AMC's "The walking dead".
Instantly, i knew she wasn't going to make it,
so i bowed my head and silently prayed
Heaven accepts her soul. I came back into the
hall feeling relieved and in no time, we were
done with the exam which lasted for 60mins.
Asides the over sabi seated next to me who
nearly used his heavy duty rock of ages 12th
century caterpillar boot to switch-off my
computer, there was no other indication
during the course of the exam that suggested
my village people sneaked thier way into the
exam hall to monitor my progress.
I was seated at the back in the shuttle bus
that was to take me home when my stomach
made this noise that sounded like i had DJ
Jimmy jat and Khaled trapped in my bowels &
they were protesting their release via music.
The next thing i felt, was something trying to
run out of my jeans from the back...
Something familiarly unpleasant. Oh shiiit!!
I ran out of the Bus that was yet to get filled.
My destination, a tutorial center opposite the
school gate. I got there and was told they
didn't have a toilet and before I could ask
them if they had an anus, an elderly man
directed me to a transport company just
outside. I got there and the Manager pleaded
with me that somebody just took the key. At
this point, I was already sweating...sweating
profusely. My vision was getting blurred and i
could feel the poo forcefully trying to escape
with a very very strong warning "If you try
run ehn, we go fall comot yakata. So respect
yasef and walk like a gentleman".. I wanted to
run to the next plaza but respected the shiit's
command. Afterall, I was the one being held
at gunpoint.
I forgot shame ever existed and kept pleading
from shop to shop but kept hearing the same
"No Key" story. It was that day I knew what
Brother Oghenevare Jeremiah went through
when he said in chaper 17 verse19 that, "The
heart of man is desperately wicked". If an
Angel had appeared and asked i choose
between "automatic Heaven and a toilet", the
answer would have been pretty obvious. I can
always work my salvation later, the legal way.
I was this close to squatting in the middle of a
busy street to offload, while making sure my
head was wrapped in a black nylon. Afterall,
nobody will see my face, and para-venture the
street people broke in a hot pursuit, not even
my shadow shall thy see,for my legs shall
carry thee far far away before thy caputureth
me. But just when I lost all hope and wanted
to collapse and die, I saw a light at the end of
the tunnel. For the book of Mathew 7:7(New
living translation) says" "Keep on asking, and
you will receive what you ask for. Keep on
seeking, and you will find". Brother
Oghenetega Matthew was indeed right,
because, right in front of me, less than a
kilometer away, was what I seeked.
I met this fair pretty lady of average height at
her Mother's shop, realyed my predicament
and she told me using their toilet wasnt't an
option, as her Dad was around. Rather, she
showed me their Backyard where I could do
my thing. I couldn't believe my ears. I nearly
broke down in tears of appreciation, but held
my tears halfway, cos considering how high
my body pressure was, coupled with how
swollen skinny me now looked,it wouldn't
come as a surprise if the space meant for
tears has since been occupied by my
desperate poo.
I jogged into the big compound and found a
perfect spot behind this harvested plantain
tree, pulled my jean, but as I was about to
drop, I saw this mighty elephant Dog charging
toward me. Jisoooos! It all happened so fast. I
wanted to run but was relieved when I saw a
chain restraining it. I changed location just to
be safe should incase the dog manages to
convince the chain to let it go. I squatted, and
the moment the first came out, I felt a feeling
no word could describe. I was weeping and
shiiting. Tears of joy. I began offloading and farting at the same time, but the Dog was
looking visibly pissed by that action. It barked
in rage,louder and louder with every fart, and
at a point, I knew it was going to lose it's
voice if it didnt accept defeat. The Dog
eventually threw in the towel and kept quiet
when it was clear i had a battalion of stored
farts in my bowels eager to keep me in the
lead.
I already had a plan mapped out should the
Dog's barks draw the pretty lady's Dad's
attention to the backyard. Use my rubber
band as catapult, shiit as stone & temporarily
blind him just to give me enough time to fly
the fence and continue shitting in the next
compound before he even gets the opportunity
to shout "Thief Thief". But thank God, he
never came. My idea of fame didn't include
being dragged Unclad around a street in that
hot afternoon with poo smeared all over my
body. That's not my portion in Jesus name.
I was done and went to meet the pretty lady.
Funny enough, I was beginning to feel
ashamed after the spirit of shiiit left me. I
thanked her severally, then brought out my
wallet and gave her 500naira as a token of my
sincere appreciation but she refused. I tried to
convince her, but she still held her ground. So
I dropped the money on the table, took
something worth N50naira and walked away a
happy man before she could even protest.
hmm what a day
•••••••••••••••
